


The Pelant-Giza Connection

by DorothyOz



Category: Bones (TV), Stargate SG-1
Genre: Crime, Crossover, F/M, Gen, Humor, Parody, violence (not graphic)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-01
Updated: 2013-02-01
Packaged: 2017-11-27 19:13:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/665473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DorothyOz/pseuds/DorothyOz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A very important person visits Booth to help him get rid of Pelant. Who is this guy? Why does he want to help?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Pelant-Giza Connection

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the A/N at the beginning of the story, and enjoy! :D

  **THE PELANT-GIZA CONNECTION**

* * *

 

**A/N: Please read**

**Title:** The Pelant-Giza connection

 **Summary:** A very important person visits Booth to help him get rid of Pelant. Who is this guy? Why does he want to help?

 **Genre:** Pure humor, dark humor and I guess you could say that it’s a crossover…

 **Season/episode:** After the events of "The Corpse on the Canopy" (season 8 - episode 12)

 **Spoilers:** Everything until “The Corpse on the Canopy”, especially the Pelant arc.

 **Pairing(s):** Canon pairings

 **Rating:** T (If anyone disagrees please let me know)

 **Warnings:** Crime; violence and violent situations (like we’d find in the show); Sci-fi crossover.  ‘Reductio ad absurdum’ alert!

 **Important Information:** In order to get the jokes you need to have a working knowledge of the Stargate saga.

 **Comments:** Pelant’s story arc is just so full of holes and of unbelievable things that I decided to find an alternative way of explaining them.

 **Disclaimer:** Read profile

**Acknowledgements:** Big thanks to my beta, [Whatever55](https://www.fanfiction.net/u/801814/whatever55), for her great job.

**Cover art:** [here](http://dorothyoz1939.livejournal.com/6864.html) and [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2310182)

* * *

 

**THE PELANT-GIZA CONNECTION**

* * *

 

Booth was working in his office, when someone knocked on his door. Lifting his head to see who it was Booth was stunned to see a Lt. General of the USAF standing by his door.

He was closely followed by a bunch of soldiers that Booth deduced were his security detail. There was also a small, bald man with glasses carrying a suitcase, who was probably his assistant.

“May I come in, Agent Booth?” the older gentlemen asked. It was clear to Booth that the general wasn’t really asking but ordering him to stop whatever he was doing to listen to whatever he had to talk about.

Booth stood up to receive him and invited him in. The general and the small bald man entered the office and closed the door behind them. Meanwhile, the security detail was organized by its own accord and posted strategically by the door and close to it to protect the general. Booth could see that it was causing quite a commotion in the bullpen and more and more agents were coming to see what was happening.

“I’m General O’Neill,” Jack introduced himself and shook Booth’s hand.

Booth had been Special Forces and he knew who General O’Neill was. He had heard enough about Jack O’Neill to be a little in awe of the man, and to know that whatever brought him there it was highly classified.

“What do you need, sir?”

“I’m here to help with the Pelant problem,” Jack answered and sat down in one of the chairs on the other side of Booth’s desk.

“How?” Booth asked stunned, sitting back down in his chair.

“Well, before I tell you that, I have to give you certain classified information… but to do that you have to sign a non-disclosure agreement.”

Hearing the general talk about the agreement prompted the bald man to open the suitcase and get a contract out of it. However, Booth stopped him raising his hand.

“I hope you don’t mind me saying this, General, but I need to include Dr. Brennan in this,” Booth spoke firmly. He won’t keep a secret from Brennan unless is absolutely necessary.

“Walter?” Jack asked looking at the small, bald man.

“Yes sir, we have seven contracts here,” the man answered already prepared for this eventuality.

“Good. Then, how do you feel, Agent Booth, if I explain our situation to the Hodgins family, Miss Julian, and Drs. Saroyan, Brennan and Sweets?”

Booth smiled at him, pleased to see that the general was willing to include his team in this.

“But, I absolutely refuse to include Max Keenan! Only thinking about him gives me a real headache!”

“Tell me about it!” Booth agreed with Jack and nodded accepting the veto that he was giving.  Max gave him a headache every time he called Brennan, especially since he convinced her to run. What he couldn’t see was how Max could give a headache to the general, so he mentally added this to the list of questions he had for the officer.

“Follow me, Agent, we’ll pick up your team from the Jeffersonian and we’ll return to the Pentagon to hold the meeting there. It’s safer.”

That said the general stood up and everyone followed him to the cars that were waiting for them outside the Hoover building.

They created quite a fuss on their way out. Pretty much every agent in the building had his or her jaw on the floor, including Hacker who watched in astonishment how the soldiers closed ranks to protect not only the general but Booth too.

O’Neill, Walter, and Booth got into the general’s car, and the security detail of the general got into a second car that followed them closely behind.

* * *

 

Soon after, the car stopped in front of the Jeffersonian, and Booth, followed by the general and his retinue, went into the lab to look for the squints. Sweets and Caroline, who Booth phoned from the car, came running through the door practically at the same time.

“Cherie, this better be important, you hear me. I have a lot of work to do, I can’t go around wasting my time because you think you’re pretty,” Caroline admonished the agent.

“Booth?” Cam asked, lifting one of her perfectly manicured eyebrows in a questioning gesture.

“Dr. Saroyan, I’m General O’Neill,” Jack introduced himself again, and offered his hand to the coroner who immediately took it.

“He’s here to help us with Pelant,” Booth answered to the questioning looks he was receiving from the squints, the prosecutor, and the shrink.

“So I said. To do so, I need you all to sign a non-disclosure agreement, though,” the general answered.

“Are you willing to sign, Booth?” Brennan asked the agent.

“Yeah, I am, Bones,” Booth answered firmly.

With that Cam, Caroline, Sweets, and Brennan were ready to sign the papers. Hodgins was a little hesitant, though, which made Angela doubt too.

“Look people, I can end Pelant today and never tell you,” the general pointed out. “I’m giving you the opportunity to be included in it so that you can give the families of his victims some justice, and so that you can know that he’s gone!”

“Hodgins, sign the damn paper!” Booth told him firmly knowing that the general didn’t really need any of them, he was doing them a favor by including them in the operation.

Hodgins nodded seeing that the agent was right, and he and Angela signed the contract.

* * *

 

Half an hour later, the team was sitting around the table of a conference room in an obscure area of the Pentagon. The general sat at one end of the table and beside him were a younger man with sandy hair and glasses, and a very big and muscled, black man.

“Daniel,” Jack said.

The younger man with the glasses stood up and started talking. “Hello, I’m Dr. Daniel Jackson.”

Before he could say anything else, Brennan interrupted him, “you’re that archeologist that was disgraced because of some unbelievable and unproven theory about aliens and the pyramids! General, the answer to stop Pelant is not some ridiculous and irrational theory!”

“Doctor, you will not insult anyone under my command or Booth’s unwillingness to keep secrets from you won’t be enough to keep you here!” Jack barked in an icy voice.

By his side, the big, black man glared at Brennan, and added in his deep, solemn voice, “Daniel Jackson is a hero to this world. He is to be respected.”

That shut the anthropologist up and stopped any other objections from the rest of the squints. Who would have thought the way to shut a squint up was the icy voice of one pissed-off Jack O’Neill and a scary Jaffa?

Seeing that silence filled the room again, Daniel started talking again. “What we are about to tell you is classified under section 11-C-9 of the National Security Act.

“In 1928, in Giza, Egypt, archaeologists uncovered an ancient device capable of instantaneous transportation to other planets by means of a sub-space wormhole. In 1945 …”

Daniel kept talking for a while explaining the history of the Stargate Program, and about the Goa’uld, especially Ba’al.

“Good ol’ Bocce was a busy boy while he was hiding on Earth. One of the things he did was make a whole bunch of clones of himself. We had a lot of fun killing them off,” O’Neill said interrupting Daniel to make sure that the explanation wasn’t long enough to kill them all from boredom. “We have recently discovered that as part of another of his experiments he introduced a minor Goa’uld at his service in a teenage guy… Wanna guess who?”

He received no answer because everyone was completely stunned, and the only thing they could do was stare at Daniel and the screen where he had been showing them different photographs to illustrate his talk.

“Wait, you don’t really expect us to believe this, right?” Brennan asked being the first one to recuperate from the shock.

Jack stood up and called, “Walter!”

Walter gave a simple “Yes, sir,” for answer and they were all engulfed in a white light.

Everyone except for the ones standing up: O’Neill, Daniel, and Booth, who stood up when the general did, landed with their asses on the deck of the Hammond.

They stood up awkwardly and studied their surroundings, including the big windows from where they could see the Earth. The team was then convinced that they were indeed in a space ship.

“WOW! We really are in a space ship!” Hodgins shouted like a kid in a candy store. His eyes grew impossibly big and were glowing with delight, he was running around in circles trying to see everything at once.

“Down boy! You’re gonna have a heart attack if you don’t calm down,” Angela said with her voice full of amusement at her husband’s actions.

The squints started asking questions all at the same time wanting to know everything they could about the program, the ship and everything else they could think about.

O’Neill laughed, amused by their reactions. “Hey, Carter, they act like you when you get a new doohickey!”

“Funny, sir, very funny,” the colonel answered and approached the squints. “Good afternoon and welcome to my ship. I’m Colonel Carter.”

The squints snooped around for a while and Carter, Daniel and Jack answered their questions until Jack decided that it was time to leave.

“People, we really have to go… things to do, annoying snakes to kill, paperwork to fill…”

The white light engulfed them again, and they were back in the same conference room of the Pentagon they left only a short while ago.

* * *

 

“If you could all sit down again, I could explain the relation between the Stargate Program and Pelant,” Jack said. “Like I said before, we don’t really have all day.”

They all sat down around the table again, and the general continued talking. “As I was saying Ba’al implanted one of the minor Goa’uld at his service in a teen boy, Christopher Pelant. When we finally eliminated Ba’al and destroyed all his labs, bases and other installations on Earth and other planets, Pelant escaped with some alien technology. We recently discovered this, and investigated him in real depth to find this technology, any allies he could have, etc.

“What we discovered was very worrisome. The Goa’uld are psychos but they’re generally worried about world domination, this guy is only interested in killing. I guess, the Goa’uld can have psychos with no other real purpose than being psychos too… it seems that’s not only a human condition.

“Anyway, Pelant tried to gain access to our servers, but they’re protected with Asgard tech… way above his head… so the only thing he accomplished was to take down the DOD network. Yet after that, he spent only six months in prison and then was sent to house arrest. A very sweet deal if you ask me… so sweet it was obvious he had some help. Agent Booth checked the transcripts of the trial, and investigated everyone involved in it, and found nothing because Pelant got help directly from the DOD. His man inside was a clone of a real NSA agent that Pelant killed. A clone with an alien device designed for mind control.

“Then he started  this psycho game he likes playing with you, and he used alien technology, which is why he can do impossible things like writing a virus on bone… or leave almost no evidence behind, or kill someone like Xavier Freeman… you get the point.”

“What happened to Pelant’s man in NSA?” Hodgins asked interrupting the general.

“What do you think, Hodgins?” Booth asked him. “Let the man finish, please, and leave the questions for later!” he exclaimed. It was very obvious to the agent that the situation was way above their heads and pay rates, and the last thing he wanted was Hodgins’ conspiracy theories to anger the general enough to throw them out of the operation.

Jack ignored the exchange between both men. Nonetheless, he answered the question, “He was killed. We prepared a fake car accident, and to avoid any kind of problem, we took care of the autopsy and cremation.”

Everyone nodded accepting the explanation and Jack decided to continue. “As I was saying, in his twisted game against you he had three allies: alien technology, clones, and mind control devises. After he killed Ethan Sawyer, Flynn was assigned to the case. Why? And why did a seasoned agent do such a poor job?” Jack asked rhetorically.

Booth’s eyes went impossibly wide when he realized that Flynn had been under some kind of mental control, maybe even their superiors were.

“I see you’re getting it, Booth. Good, “Jack commented sardonically. “Pelant killed the real Agent Flynn and planted in his place one of his clones. That’s why he pursued Brennan with such venom. He got the job and no one stopped his stupidity because Pelant implanted his mind control devices in Hacker and Smith.”

“So the Flynn in the hospital is not the real Flynn?” Sweets asked trying to get his head around everything that was being said here.

“No, he’s not. But the clone is no longer there either. He died as a bad reaction to a drug. As you can imagine this is a cover too, and we killed him, we also took care of all the proceedings and he’s now just a pile of ashes,” Jack answered.

“What about Hacker and Smith?” Booth asked. He never did like Hacker, and when Smith took Cullen’s job he immediately knew that he was another bureaucratic whiner like Hacker, so he never liked him either. Still he felt horribly betrayed by the FBI with how they handled Sawyer’s case, and how they treated him and Bones. However, if their actions during this time were due to alien mind control technology, he’d feel better.

“We will extract the devices from their brains safely. Once they can think for themselves they’ll be very embarrassed with how they handled the situation. Well, at least they will be, if they have enough sense in their bureaucratic asses to notice or care,” O’Neill answered the agent with an understanding voice. He would have felt just as betrayed if he had been in Booth’s shoes.

“I think it’s obvious to everyone that we intend to kill Pelant, but before we go into how we are going to do it, do you have any questions?”

“Yes, General, I have at least one: why did you say this morning that Keenan gives you a headache?” Booth asked.

“Because he was stupid enough to convince Brennan to run away. Your girlfriend is a famous bestselling author, a horrible actress who couldn’t lie her way out of a paper bag to save her life, and her idea of camouflage was a horrendous blonde hair dye… I had six of my best men protecting her and your kid for three months and we paid a fortune in bribes to keep people who recognized her quiet. In three months as fugitive not once did she notice my men, or the two times Pelant tried to kill her, nor my men stopping him. Neither did Keenan, by the way… which is kinda sad because the man is supposed to be a great fugitive!

“Keenan made my job harder. With the case all over the press and everyone talking about Brennan being a fugitive and speculating as to why she ran, if she was guilty or not… the only thing we could do was protect them, without killing Pelant to ensure that she could go back at some point, and wait. I hate waiting, Booth!”

“I was not a bad fugitive!” Brennan complained, but Booth glared at her. Remembering the tension that plagued their relationship after her return, she decided to shut up and leave the issue be, hoping not to revive said tension.

“Thanks, sir,” Booth’s answer honestly looking at Jack in the eye.

“Are we done with the questions now?” Jack asked and everyone nodded.

“Let me see if I get this straight, Cherie,” Caroline started talking not caring for the glare O’Neill gave her for the way she addressed him. “You’re saying that the reason why Pelant is such a perfectly evil criminal is because he’s an alien using alien technology?”

“Yes,” Jack answered simply.

“Flynn isn’t an incompetent but a clone under Pelant’s control? And the reason behind the FBI ginormous stupidity is alien mind control techniques?”

“Yes. Yes.”

“And the reason why no one noticed Brennan when she was hiding using as only means of camouflage a horrible blonde hair dye is because you bribed everyone that recognized her?”

“Yes.”

“And Pelant’s ridiculously short sentence for taking down the DOD network was due to a clone buddy of his?”

“Yes, Miss Julian that’s exactly what I said!” Jack exclaimed exasperated with the prosecutor. “The answer to any other question you have is ‘alien technology’ or ‘classified’. Are we done now with the 20 questions game?”

Seeing that everyone was nodding and finally in silence, Jack decided to continue with the plan.

“Good. Then to the plan. As there is an arrest warrant for Pelant after he messed with Serberus, we will locate him, and he will sadly die during the arrest. Then we will take care of his body… it does have a snake in it and we can’t allow that to get out in the open. Oh, and don’t worry about his alien technology, my people has already recuperated almost everything, and the rest we expect to be with him.”

“How do you plan on locating him?” Brennan asked.

“Naquadah,” Jack said simply. When the others looked at him in confusion he explained further, “every Goa’uld has naquadah, an alien mineral, in their system. We can locate it with the sensors on the Hammond.”

“Okay, but how are we going to explain it, General?” Cam joined in the conversation for the first time. She was still trying to get used the idea of the stargate, space ships, aliens and all the above.

“Coincidence.”

“Coincidence? Really? No awesome cop work or something?” Sweets complained.

“Yes, coincidence. It wouldn’t be the first time a criminal gets arrested for some minor stupid thing,” Jack answered the shrink in his pissed-off voice.

“Okay, okay, whatever you say,” the psychologist relented.

“Good. Now, is everyone clear in everything?” Jack asked rhetorically. “Good. Then we’re done here.

“Daniel, escort everyone except Booth back to the cars and tell my driver to take them to the Jeffersonian.”

“Of course, Jack,” Daniel answered, and seconds later a bunch of soldiers surrounded them to escort them to the cars.

“You’re allowed to knock them out if they disobey you, you hear me people,” Jack ordered the soldiers.

With a sonorous “yes sir!” the troupe disappeared taking everyone with them to the awaiting cars and back to the Jeffersonian.

Only Booth remained in the conference room with Jack, Teal’c and Walter. Jack made a sign to his assistant and the three soldiers were again engulfed in the white light of the Asgard beam technology.

* * *

 

Booth, Teal’c and O’Neill were greeted in the Hammond by Colonel Carter, who also informed them that Pelant had already been located and was being monitored both from space and on the ground. She had sent a four men team that was following him and was waiting for them to join in.

Jack took of his jacket and accepted one of the bullet proof vests that Carter was offering him. Booth seeing that the other two men were gearing up for the mission, and that he was obviously invited, followed their lead and soon they were geared up and armed.

Thankfully it was already night, so when Carter beamed them into a dark alley no one saw a thing. They were only a street from the rest of the team, and soon they caught up with them.

The team surrounded the warehouse where Pelant was hiding to recuperate from Booth’s shoot. The Goa’uld healing device that he had used had saved him bigger damage but he still needed time to heal and rest.

They found Pelant in a small, dark room of the second floor. Jack shot him in the head, killing him instantly. Then Teal’c took his Zat out and shot Pelant’s body with it three times. The body disintegrated and that was the end of Christopher Pelant.

“Carter, beam the fake one in,” O’Neill ordered into his radio, and the white light left a clone of Pelant’s body in the room. A clone with no snake, and as dead as the real one. Jack shot the clone in the head for appearances sake and a few hours later the paperwork was done and sealed.

The Pelant case was almost over. The only reminding loose ends were Hacker and Smith.

* * *

 

The next morning General O’Neill visited the Hoover building again. He demanded a meeting with Hacker and Smith, and was immediately received in Smith’s office.

Smith’s secretary served them coffee after the general asked for it. What she didn’t know was that Jack added a sedative to the coffee mugs of the two FBI bigwigs and soon they were both rendered unconscious.

It was then that, thanks to the Asgard technology incorporated in the Hammond, the white light of the Asgard beam extracted the mind control devices from their heads.

Seconds later, the general woke them up with a satisfyingly hard slap where their heads met their necks. The fact that Pelant got near enough to them to implant the devices annoyed him greatly. It made his job a lot harder and forced him to wait three months to eliminate that slimy snake!

“Who are you?” Smith asked, being the first one alert enough. “And what are you doing in my office?”

“I’m General O’Neill. You don’t need to know what I’m doing here,” Jack said firmly. These two were only getting the official version of Pelant’s case. “Today Booth will report to you to explain how he and his team finally solved the Pelant’s issue. If you’re smart my presence here will tell you that what you’re getting is only the official version, you’ll accept it and go on with your lives.

“However, I want you to think about your actions during the whole mess. You own some apologies to some people. I also suggest you start considering retirement.” Jack put his hand into the inner pocket of the jacket of Class A Uniform and got out two identical white envelopes. “These are your resignation letters, dated for today.”

With that Jack left the office of the soon to be retired Deputy Director Smith, leaving him and the also soon to be retired Assistant Director Hacker in stunned silence.

Hacker looked at Smith, his face showing his bone deep confusion. “What the hell just happened?”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. Please tell me what you think :)


End file.
